I distinctly remember the clack of my high heels across the linoleum floor at the church daycare. He was 12weeks. I had cried the past eleven in preparation for that moment.
I sat his carrier down. Held my breath and ran towards the door. The only way I could have left him. I had to make myself do it. I can still feel my heart dangling in my stomach, as I drove away. I wept. That's the only word for it, because it almost killed me to hand his sweet round face, shaped by soft black hair, over to someone else. I was mourning my loss of motherhood, before it even really began.
It was the same with JEB. The day I left him, he had had not one bottle. Of course he needed me. No other person could fulfill his needs. Only me. But I left him.
When Mary Mac was born. She was sick. But it would be months before I would know for sure that I was going to be home for good. I prepared myself then too.
Always, I worried about their schooling. Where they would attend? Which was the best? What did we want for them?? Public. Private. Never considered homeschooling. It never crossed my mind.
To be honest, would be to say that I never had a right feeling for any school here. From the most expensive to the plain public.
This first school year, we made a choice for a specific reason. We didn't choose others, for specific reasons. Money was not necessarily a part of this decision. More so what type of person we wanted our children to come out on the other side as.
I can say there are several (many) reasons that we are making changes. But as we have researched this decision, I can say we are making changes because, Joel and I being the one to help our children learn ... is our ideal way for us to serve them. No other could commit with as much love, care and understanding- as we are.
Combining basic curriculum with spending (what would have been for private school) towards life experiences. This is what is right for us.
It isn't always the popular choice. Some disagree. I am most proud to make this commitment to our children. We will hold ourselves accountable.
There are parts to my life, I would now do differently. This doesn't have to be one. I am no longer preparing to let my small children go. Instead I am investing in there childhood. Giving them one. A sweet, whole, simple one. It is limitless.
I am truly a blessed woman, wife and mother to have this opportunity. I thank my God for making me perfect in this way, my country for allowing me this choice, and my husband for walking with me.
I am going to take a few days to compile resources I have found. To begin with I was pretty much lost. I know others are also. So, I will share.
I will have that post for you next week and add homeschooling mom to my repertoire. This space will not become a "homeschool blog." It will remain with variety as always. But still encompass the whole us.
Thank you for reading this journey of our life. Once again it is Changing Lanes.